One of the many things they leave behind to tell you when you attempt online dating is that you have to pick a ‘name’ for yourself – a treat for your profile. Yes, not only do you have to fret about whether your pictures make you look pretty or the quality of your babbling blurb, you also have the added trauma of coming up with a profile name. It has to encapsulate you in one effortless, throwaway line. It will show up alongside your picture and could mean all the difference inbetween someone providing a saucy smile and clicking on you to find out more or eliciting merely an eye roll before they scroll on to the next sweetly monikered singleton.
The default, I suppose, would be to pick your name. James. Sarah. Rita. Alfred. There they are. Names, names, names all over the place. Chances are, of course, that you are not the only single James out there, so what next? A surname initial maybe? JamesD. Hmmm, that’s gone – attempt again. How about adding a number? JamesD1. Titillating stuff. Your profile name is up there with a chatroom treat. How about a more meaningful number? Date of birth? JamesD1975. Yes, this is SCREAMING originality, well done. Maybe something like your postcode? JamesSE17. Hmm, not sure about that one, Jimmy. Can’t you at least pick a more salubrious area? So you see the problem. Onward, then.
One option is to give a nod to your roots. West_Midlands_Wanderer or Blackpool_Bloke both have a ring to them, if you like that kind of thing. Alliteration is key here, for the ultimate effect. London_Lad (mind you, nothing makes me die inwards more than a grown man calling himself a “lad”) or Scotland_Saucepot are much better than London_Man_Who_Likes_Trains or Edinburgh_Knitting_Expert
Some use their profile treat to quickly communicate what kind of person they are. It doesn’t always work out sadly. Guys called Lovable_Dreamer are likely to be premature ejaculators, while ladies who Love_To_Laugh are invariably rotten drunks who sit in the corner of the pub weeping. Serious_Thinker, Mood_Ring, Optimist567 and Free_Spirit are very likely all rancorous bores with acrid BO. It’s just the way it is.
What about your interests? Like reading? How about Bookworm71? Love to spell words correctly and know your way around a semicolon? Maybe attempt GrammarBore800. Footie fanatic? I_Will_Spend-My-Entire_Weekend_Watching_Sky_Sports_While_You-Cry_In_The-Kitchen seems to be available. Into baking? Give All_I_Will_Talk_About_Is_Cupcakes a attempt. I’m sure the offers will flood in.
If you truly want to demonstrate off and have potential daters pondering your name rather than concentrate on the fact you have either fairly clearly lied about your age and your photos are more than Ten years old, go for something quirky out of a book or film. You will think you’re being very original, but you’re very likely not – do a quick search on the site for anyone using a name that’s like the one you’re thinking of before you take the plunge. There are most likely about a million Holden_Caulfields, Lizzie_Bennets, Sophia_Westerns and Pip_Pirrips all looking for love too. If picking something from a movie, make sure it’s not a DREADFUL one or a slightly dubious character. Leave Danny_Ocean, Leatherface101, Baby_Jane_Hudson or Vivian_Ward to one side, perhaps. Also, ladies, maybe give Roxie_Hart a miss too – she was very glam, yes, but she killed her paramour and attempted to framework her spouse.
Okay, so by now you’re getting desperate, right? If you’re on Grindr or a similar ‘hook-up app’, just got for the basics as above, or attempt the standard ‘Looking_4_Meet_Now’ or ‘Vauxhall, 32′. The easiest way to get noticed, tho’, is to find your ‘Grindr name’, inspired by the charming guys who call themselves “Butt_Cleaner” or “Nuts_Gobbler” (gravely – it’s ‘a thing’). My fresh, magic formula couldn’t be lighter:
1. Bod part you wash very first or last in the shower.
Two. One parent’s occupation.
And voila! Be you a Palm Signalman, Bollock Trucker, Bum Plumber or Toe Psychologist, you’re sure to get *exactly* the attention you’re looking for. And maybe even a little bit more.